I AM

I am the force

I am the source

I am the motion

I am the reason

I am the power

I am, as I was,

Enough.

What’s real and what’s make believe?

And then there are days when you wish to burst ino flames and simply disappear without knowing the reason why. When you feel unsettled, out of place, out of depth and out of any will to “be positive”. When you wish that this world truly was a place where people understood you without you having to cry from the rooftop “look at me, I feel like I’m drowning!”

But real life isn’t like your dramas or fiction will make you believe. There’s nobody on the end of the tunnel to pick you up wordlessly. There’s nobody who will hear your silent screams and ensconce you in an embrace warm enough to melt the frost settled deeply in. To help you deal with things that trouble but you either don’t wish to put in words, or don’t even know how to. There’s nothing in this world that is truly unconditional, no matter how often we overuse this word.

And that’s why I believe I like to disappear into my world of fuzzy fictional warmth.. you’re an observer in the melodrama that’s all around you, but you’re not obligated to deal with it. You can simply sit back and watch. Remark on what was done wrong, applaud what was done right. Live a life of detached intrigue. Who wants the real life horrors when this world of make believe offers you so much more without the burden of action?

Slump Is A Temporary Inevitability

Slumps, lows, spirals, blues.. they’re all inevitable. It’s absolutely unlikely that we will always be on the rise, reaching higher without a misstep or two. Our minds can get exhausted, suffer from temporary vulnerabilities, and find it difficult to cope with the world. It’s okay to feel intimidated occasionally by the changes that await us, the uncertainties that seem to swallow us, the disappointments that suddenly surface, and the unmet expectations which overwhelmingly make you doubt the reasons for your choices in life. It’s okay!

Then what’s not okay? Well, I am learning that plenty of things actually. For one, it’s not okay to feel pathetic about myself for feeling the way I mentioned above. It’s depressing, it’s uncool, it’s dark, and it’s hopeless, BUT IT’S ME DAMMIT. I fail to back myself up, nobody else is going to consider me a safe enough bet to wager on.

Also, if I love my confident, effervescent, jolly self, I need to equally cherish my sad old unhappy self too. Whoever heard of a body choosing to cherish it’s left arm over the right or vice versa?

And disappointments are a part of life. A lot of people say “it’s all a part of growing up”, but hey, how can you discount the hardships I faced in my younger days? Lack of experience certainly didn’t help with those bruises, and well, experience and age haven’t really taught me (yet) to be indifferent to them.

Bottom line is, I feel, to realize that things will occasionally hit a stop. Shit will hit the fan, emotions will go berserk, confusion and uncertainty will reign, your brain will not churn out ideas and solutions at the pace you expect to maintain, things will sometimes be tough to grasp, you will miss deadlines, you will act flaky, you will want to play hooky from work, you will want to regress into a carefree child. But that’s okay! It’s temporary. And it’s inevitable. Support yourself through it, just as you would a friend (you ARE a supportive friend, right?), and remind yourself that this will blow over. Because it definitely will. And things will become easier to cope with again. You will be driven once again, you will close the doors on your escape routes, and go back to the place you placed your sitting seat. So just keep your chin up, and hold onto yourself to see it blow over.